Unless you don’t have Twitter, cable, are headless or you live in Kabul/some other place where you have better things to worry about than what Miley Cyrus is wearing and saying and smoking, you know that the VMAs were last Sunday. If you don’t have Twitter, cable, are headless or you live in Kabul, this column is probably not for you anyway.
Awards shows are generally stuffy and boring. The VMAs are almost always the opposite of stuffy and boring, which is the only reason I bother to watch them. Also, they were hosted by Miley Cyrus. I’m not even a little bit ashamed to admit that I adore Miley (90% of you just stopped reading, I know it). Miley doesn’t give two shits about anything. In a world filled with overly-scrubbed, politically correct and oh-so-gracious Taylor Swift wannabes, Miley’s lack of concern for decorum of any kind is refreshing and entertaining as hell.
So, armed with pink wine and pizza, I went to friend’s house to watch the madness unfold live.
Thus, I have avoided real work all week in order to bring you, lucky you, the totally arbitrary NFL* vs the VMA Awards.
*Limited to current, active NFL players because we wouldn’t want this to get too complicated, you know?
The Good —
VMAs: Gigi Hadid
NFL: Barkevious Mingo
Gigi is to T-Swift as Barkevious is to Johnny Football. Maybe not as well-known as their peers, but way hotter and with way more interesting names.
The Game Changers
VMAs: Nicki Minaj
NFL: JJ Watt
Minaj and Watt are both elevating their respective games by working their asses off and being the best at their craft. They could also both kill you with their bare hands.
The Award for the Fewest Fucks to Give
VMAs: Miley Cyrus
NFL: Rob Gronkowski
Miley and Gronk both* have impressive physical physiques. Both are perfectly capable of dressing and acting like normal humans. Both choose not to do either of those things on a very regular basis.
*Gronk is not going to be excited about this comparison.
The Bad —
The Megastar Who Will Probably Say Something Racist Off-Camera
VMAs: Taylor Swift
NFL: Tom Brady
Brady and Swift are household names. Both flirt with controversy (#deflategate and Twitter feuds, respectively). Both are still generically attractive and blonde and rich and inescapable. Yawn.
Worst Celebrity Stylist
VMAs: Justin Beiber
NFL: Eli Manning
Justin Beiber and Eli Manning are both beloved (probably) by people (not me) and both make enough money to hire a decent barber to do something about that mop of hair on their head. Also both are proven crybabies.
VMAs: Kanye West
NFL: Jay Cutler
Both of these pairs of sweatpants probably cost more than my rent. You guys just keep doin’ you. I respect it.
The Ugly —
VMAs: Rebel Wilson
NFL: Colin Kaepernick
I don’t hate either of you, but I aggressively hate both these outfits.
Most Likely to Be Into Weird Sex Stuff
VMAs: Jared Leto
NFL: Andrew Luck
Based on these photos alone, I’m going to say that Jared has a sex swing and Andrew is going to try and put it in your butt without asking first.