NFL Quarterbacks On The Oregon Trail!

Alright ladies and gents, this is what happens when I don’t have college football to talk about. I know, it is a sad and lonely place for everyone out there right now unless you are lucky enough to have a team in the National Championship. Isn’t it weird how Ohio State and Oregon fans make up like 45% of the nation’s college football fanbase anyways? How neat is that for the CFB Playoff to have two such profitable teams playing each other! It’s okay though, maybe 10% of their hundreds of thousands of fans went to the school. That’s none of my business though.

If you are like me and pretty bored without being able to procrastinate during work with football games, you look around to other alternatives. These alternatives are not always pretty but they get the job done. Shout out to Buzzfeed for letting me know I can play Oregon Trail on the internet now!

Go check it out and waste time like I did!

Our lovely travel companions!


So we start out in Independence, Missouri. Where people are STILL trying to flee the city to this day due to realizing that they live in Missouri. Alright, back to the lineup. I am the captain now, boys! First, we have the whiniest and most likely to die, Jay Cutler. Then the one that probably will die next, Tony Romo. The last two are the golden boys of Indianapolis. Yes, Alex Smith is a golden boy in Indianapolis because he sucks and they enjoy Kansas City’s misery.

start of trailSo we are starting off March 1st, and we are a banking family. This promises two things:

1) We will have enough time to make it through the trail because there will inevitably be whining and complaining from this pack.

2) We have the most money possible in the game. This is good, so I can buy food instead of hunt it.

Alright, so pretty uneventful stretch from Independence across the Kansas River and shit. We caulked the wagon and that bitch floated like a dream. No one fords the river because it’s really risky and I’m sure Alex Smith would fall off and drown in three feet of water.

WTF riverDAMMIT OF COURSE AT THE NEXT RIVER THIS HAS TO HAPPEN! YOU FREAKIN ASSHOLES! At least this river was like six feet deep and we still have all of our people. Shit ton of bullets to lose, though. Probably for the best since I feel like Andrew “Andy” Luck might go AWOL and shoot everyone after a bad snakebite or something. So we’ve made it across the river and we are almost to Fort Kearney! This is exciting! So far, a surprising amount of health! We are on full rations, strenuous pace and speeding towards the promised land and home of pretty boy Colin Kaepernick! Suddenly…





WHAT! Shit, we better rest for a couple days just to be safe! So here we are, resting and telling stories of “shoulda woulda coulda” and how much their fans love them, and crazy neck beard has a damn fever! What do you do? We don’t have Tylenol apparently so this could possibly be a situation. I feel like I have a fever 90% of the time but I’m probably just sweating too much. Whatever Luck, suck it up! We have land to conquer! Rest for another two days just to be sure, so we are off! Back to the pillaging of the west coast!


WHAT THE HELL! Shit, I killed the only good guy on this wagon. Great, now what? We have a small funeral, Jim Irsay gets really drunk and shows up to the ceremony riding a horse completely naked with a bunch of eye black on. I don’t know what is going on at this point. We ask for his help in navigating to the next landmark but he takes off in search of moonshine and native women.

So we are down to Jay Cutler, Tony Romo and Alex Smith. We are going to be fine… Yes, I have faith in these guys to lead the way! Onward and upward to Oregon, boys!

JayCutlerFeverBy the way, during Andy Luck’s fight for his life, Jay started being a diva and got all upset that we couldn’t smoke inside the covered wagon so he worked himself into a fever too. But unlike Andrew Luck, his fever wasn’t that serious and he lived… for now.

So we pass Fort Kearney, stock up on more food because the only caveman that could hunt is now dead. Great. We continue on for 232 miles before there is another issue. Everyone has been behaving, taking turns steering the oxen, taking turns hunting and we are on our way! Late one night, Alex is supposed to be up watching for thieves. Surprising no one, he ends up letting a guy rob us of 7 sets of clothing and now we are all half naked and pissed. stealing

It’s like why even block for a guy that can’t do anything on his own, ya know? So obnoxious.

This is when our journey starts getting pretty weird. As a whole, we are tired. No one has invented wifi, electricity in covered wagons, iPods or Snapchat at this point. Everyone is tired of each other and we are all starting to wonder why Colin invited us out west to begin with. This is getting tedious. So what do quarterbacks do when there are no chicks to hit on? Play a game of catch! Let’s throw the ball around, it will be fun!

tony romoWell, I guess it would have been fun if Jay wouldn’t have hit Tony with the force of 1,000 bulls. Dammit, now we have one less useful body in this wagon and we probably have to rest in the middle of this bullshit desert. Thanks a lot, Jay. This isn’t even Tony’s fault for once. Really, he’s the only elite quarterback of the bunch and now he can’t even throw. We rest, we refocus and we get back on the road. We are up to a pretty strenuous pace and I’ve cut the rations down to “meager” since we are all looking pretty fat.





Wow, great Jay. This surprises no one. Your lungs are totally shot and you can barely smile most days. It’s exhaustion? Okay, better rest up for Princess Cutler over here. I’m sure there is a vaccine later invented for this bitchassness problem.

Jay Cutler Dysentery


REALLY?!?!?! Jesus, man. It’s always something with you. I don’t even want to go into the details of what happened to Jay but if you google this disease, it’s pretty awful. So needless to say, he handled it poorly. We rest for like an entire week and then get back to the road, Alex and I had to pick up the slack. Is Romo’s arm healed back by now? It’s been a while. I don’t know how quickly bones grow back.

Alex Smith


Well there goes that plan. With Jay recovering, Tony’s arm on the mend and Alex covered in nasty bumps… I am forced to lead the squad to greatness… or a fort until we can rest and get our strength back. There is no way we can continue at this pace, on meager rations and everyone being a baby back bitch. Let’s just all stick together and hope that we can get through this time and get back to hitting it hard on the trail.

Jay Cutler


Or we could do this. Great, Jay. Way to really play like a team, ya jackwagon. I don’t think I’ve dealt with someone so stubborn. This is what happens if you wander off to find out if bears really shit in the woods. What do you think would happen? Alright, I’m done with the mom lecture. Get back in the wagon with your friends.

Alex Smith AGAIN

EVERYONE OUT OF THE WAGON! This disease bin on wheels is going to get torched soon. You guys keep getting sick out of no where. How the hell are you getting diseases?!?! No more meat. Everyone is sticking to eating carbs. I don’t care what this does to your slender figure, no more eating raw meat like real men.




Let’s navigate these rocks like a team. A team with three quarterbacks on a mission. A team that cannot lose. A team that needs to get to dry land to visit their bro, Colin. A team that… okay whatever, just look out for rocks and don’t let our wagon crash into them. With a twinkle in his eye, Tony Romo stepped up and said “Let me help steer, I finally feel better.”



SHIT! TONY! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!? He sheepishly grinned and said “There can only be one…”

Okay, let’s not go all crazy on each other, let’s realize that while Jay was annoying, he was a person. So focus, we have to get to the landing… C’mon Alex, your turn to steer!

What the fuck, man?!!?! You can’t just kill people like this! You purposefully hit that rock, didn’t you?!?

“This loss is resting solely on my shoulders.”


Alright, my turn to steer, but I can’t promise much. I’m the only one that hasn’t been sick or a murderous asshole.




Ummm, okay. I really don’t remember there being a landing or whatever so I guess I lost this game. Great, let’s go see how terrible the numbers are, Alex!



Great, glad to know that we basically killed off three guys, got stuck with Alex Smith being the only one that survived and didn’t stick the landing. Not surprising.


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