Andrew Luck: Everything Right with America

Andrew Luck: America’s Sweetheart

The beauty in a man that looks like he crawled out of bed and decided to win some playoff games is not lost on me. As a sports fan, I appreciate what Andrew Luck has done with his career. While RG3 is busy icing whatever body part he is blaming for his lackluster NFL performance, Andrew Luck is waving hi to the haters with every game won. The neckbeard, the flip phone, the unwillingness to shave, the lack of social media involvement… all things that embody everything right with our lovely country. We could all take some notes on being a boss from Andrew Luck.

andrew luck

Andrew Luck has made being a quarterback from Stanford cool. As a Chiefs fan, it is hard to enjoy Elway since he ruined lives in Kansas City from 1983-1998 and then came back like a bad dream to manage things for Denver. The one thing that I do admire about Elway is his loyalty to Denver. Also his restaurant in is delicious and I love eating there even though I get a rash during the meal. Andrew Luck had the praises of some of the top former quarterbacks at Stanford and had lots of comparisons in college to the elite donkey of all donkeys, John Elway. The best thing about Andrew Luck though? When he got drafted to go to the Colts even when they were god awful, he didn’t pitch a fit… he just went there and did the best with what he had and eventually won playoff games. What a strange concept.

noneFor a kid going to school in Palo Alto, one of the most technology based areas of the country, Andrew Luck gave no shits about having a smartphone. This is something that I got to experience when I was in between upgrades and couldn’t afford a new iPhone and I completely destroyed mine. It was a freeing time in my life. I couldn’t text people unless they were sending me one text at time and didn’t need an immediate response. I called and annoyed the hell out of people and it was beautiful. The addiction to our phones is real, people. Andrew Luck knows how to sit and stare at things that aren’t his phone in order to ignore people and that is a talent that not everyone can master. This whole having a flip phone is very Derek Jeter of him. Not saying that a man as upstanding as Luck would be sending ladies home with gift baskets, but at least there are way smaller chances of him carrying on texting relationships with side chicks and getting in trouble. Also the lack of Andrew Luck selfies or peeks into how his mind works helps with the mysterious and aloof personality, which we could all stand to emulate more.

I think Kevin Durant summed it up perfectly with this:


What do you think about that, Andrew Luck? Want to share your thoughts on that? No? Oh yeah, that is because your thoughts are rare like unicorns and attractive redheads. I absolutely agree with Mr. Durant. Have you ever met someone in person that was super hilarious on Twitter and they were basically a deaf mute that stared at their phone screen? Yes. This is an actual thing. Or you’ll meet internet gangsters that can talk smack all day on the internet and then never actually back up their tough words. (Meet me in Temecula, much?) Regardless of why people are on Twitter, Andrew Luck does not tweet, Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. Andrew Luck still reads books start to finish. Andrew Luck still reads the newspaper every morning. Andrew Luck is a beacon of hope for the old school media ways that have become almost extinct. What a great guy. If less people shared their every single thought with the internet, imagine how much more excited you would be to see them and find out what they have been up to! Imagine all the families that would have to actually call each other to see how everyone was doing! Andrew Luck is slowly bringing America back to glory one less social media oversharer at a time.

Pressure to shave off a beard comes from people in life that are out to get you and ruin your personal happiness. This is not an opinion, this is just a fact. If someone is telling you to get rid of your facial hair, they don’t need to be spoken to ever again. Andrew Luck does not care how repulsive his neckbeard might be, he is not getting rid of it.

With beard, a strong and mighty man ready to take you to the playoffs!
No beard, and look! Playing a girly ass game of soccer. See, beards are better!

Without a beard, Andrew Luck would look like a small child that enjoys soccer. I guess that is how I view every single man that doesn’t have a beard. If you don’t look like you can chop down a tree, drink a gallon of maple syrup and build your own log cabin… Chances are I don’t want you as my quarterback. Yes, this applies to Alex Smith. (I DON’T WANT YOU AS MY QUARTERBACK ALEX!!! OKAY BYE) Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard was probably first runner-up to the mess that resides on Luck’s neck and face. For such a young quarterback, Andrew Luck is focused on the game and on winning. This has to be a reflection of his pure patience and manliness by growing such a saintly beard.

Back to something slightly less insulting… Andrew Luck has a chance to knock Ugg wearing Tom Brady out of the Super Bowl and possibly into a retirement home. Let’s keep in mind that there is a man married to a foreigner that is the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots. Hmmm, I don’t have to be Ron Swanson to point out the problem here. Tom Brady is a Super Bowl hog. Let someone else win a few, wooly slipper man!

So a team that had a terrible season record in 2011 of 2-14 ended up drafting the number one overall draft pick, utilized him well, developed a strong receiving core and managed to now be in the running for a spot at the Super Bowl? What a strange concept. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this somewhere… Oh yes, they went from 2-14 to 11-5 and ended up blowing a 28 point lead in the playoffs and still have not won a playoff game since I was five years old.


I’ve never thrown shade harder in my life.

Andrew Luck, thank you for being you. You embody everything right with America.

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